Archive for February, 2009
Well it’s finally happened to me. I’m in shock. I can’t believe it. I’m turning 30. You always think this is the type of thing that happens to other people not to you. Ok, that last part might be a bit dramatic but it is how I feel right now.
My husband keeps telling me that it’s just a number but what the hell does he know? But to be honest it really isn’t the number that bothers me. What bothers me is where I am in my life. I think back to when I was 18 and what all I thought I would have accomplished in my life by the time I was 30 and getting married is the only thing I’ve managed so far. Of course I didn’t intend to have done it 3 times now but I guess I went all out on that one. Maybe that’s why I haven’t accomplished anything else, I’ve been too busy getting married and divorced. To be completely fair to myself (which I rarely am) that does set you back a bit.
I also never expected that I’d be celebrating my 30th birthday without my dad. Although I lost him nearly 6 years ago I still haven’t been able to fully pick myself back up from that blow. So I guess that too has had me preoccupied. I also can’t believe that I not only lost my dad but also all four grandparents within a matter of 3 years. I never was able to properly mourn one person before I was turning around and mourning another.I certainly didn’t expect to have to leave a good job that paid well, I was damn good at and I really loved because I could not longer stand to take the verbal abuse of my boss.
One other thing I never thought I would have to overcome in my life is being diagnosed with Crohn’s Disease after months of severe illness and having to have a bowel resection. And have my husband leave me while I was still recovering from surgery. So really, all that did take a pretty good chunk of time out of my life, nearly a year.
Yet somehow in spite of all these things I was supposed to be superwoman, I was supposed to do incredible things. I was supposed to accomplish every dream I ever had for myself. I was supposed to be uncompromising in my beliefs and go out there and change the world. Well, I failed- miserably.
And that right there is where I can’t get passed, That is why I don’t seem to be able to forgive myself. That is why I don’t want to turn 30.
Like it or not it’s happening. So, I have to find a way to deal with it. How do you forgive yourself? How do you let yourself off the hook? Why are we our own harshest critics? I don’t have those answers but I do believe the adage, “Fake it till you make it.“ in honor of that I am going to tell myself that I am forgiven until I am convinced.
So what does the girl who has nothing want for her 30th birthday?
A better sense of self
To remember how to walk with my head up (I used to know how to do that)
Not to run past the mirror on my way to the toilet or fear my reflection in the screen of my laptop
Pride to at least have made it 30 years.