Sleeplessness

Sleeplessness, I love that word. I think mostly just because of the sound of it when said out loud. Go ahead, say it… sleeplessness. Feels good doesn’t it? If you don’t stop to think about what it means that is.

I have always had trouble sleeping at night, for as long as I can remember. Nighttime as always been a time when I can quiet my mind and just be.

Well, I have been going through a lot of “self improvement” lately. I started on anti depressents and getting therapy. Part of all that is that they want me to get on a “normal” sleeping pattern. Ergo, my doc has had me on Lunesta for the past month.

Now for the first 3 weeks I loved it. I actually was falling asleep at 11:30 or 12:00 like normal people and waking up before noon. I felt like I was living in a healthier mannor by doing this.

The only problem with all this is that I can’t be on Lunesta for the rest of my life so I have to start trying to sleep without them. For some reason this seems to be impossible for me. I lay awake all night getting progressively upset by the fact that I can’t fall asleep.

So here it is 1:15 am and I’m wide awake even though I’ve been going to sleep by 12 every night for the past 2 weeks. I still can’t seem to get on that pattern naturally.

This is my conclusion: maybe I’m just meant to be nocturnal. Why not? I have always felt more like myself in the middle of the night when the world around me is asleep.

However, upon more honest introspection I think that maybe it’s really because I like the solitude of the night. I feel like I’m not being judged. I feel like whatever I do, think, feel and even write late at night is somehow able to slip past the censors.

I wonder also if this isn’t partly why I have always enjoyed watching others sleep. I can sit and watch my dog or my kitty just sleep. I even watch Dan sleep for hours. When I’m doing that I don’t worry about what he’s thinking or if I am letting him down in some way. I know that for that period of time, while he’s asleep and I’m watching him, everything is perfect. I can’t do anything to screw up or make him stop loving me.

I seem to have an uncanny ability to make people stop loving me. It’s kind of crazy really. I’m not just talking about men, even just friends. People meet me and instantly they just love me. I guess I’m a likeable person.

Usually it seems like they fall completely in love with me very quickly. Every guy I ever dated was clearly in love long before I was and most often much more than I ever was. I mean all of them. I actually got used to the fact that given just a couple dates or even a few phone conversations and I could make any guy fall head over heals in love.

Here’s the odd part. Almost as quickly as they fall in love with me; it stops. It isn’t usually like anything in particular happens, no big fight or anything, it just stops. Without warning. I never know why or how. I can’t count how many of my relationships ended like this, so suddenly, so abruptly. Maybe I just didn’t notice that they were falling apart and that’s why they seem to end that way. I’m really not sure. But from my angle it just seems like people easily fall in love with me and just as easily out of love.

I’ve remained friends with most of my ex-boyfriends so I know it isn’t like they start to hate me, they just don’t love me. I’ve never had the courage to ask any of them about this and I don’t think it’d be fair to do that anyway.

I guess that’s why I like the night so much. Peoples’ feelings for me don’t change while they’re asleep. I don’t have to worry about it. I can just sit there like time is standing still and watch. And be loved, even if just until morning.

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